I’ve Been That Poor, Tortured Soul

by Lou Marin

Just last week, another of “my” Crew Chiefs, this one retired less than a month, left behind a wife and two young children before taking his own life. Tragically, he became another of the 22. The weight of those numbers is crushing—each one a life, a family, a community left reeling.

Have you ever woken up and realized you were in the middle of a downward spiral but didn’t know how to stop the slide? That helpless feeling, that struggle to find a foothold, can overwhelm even the strongest of us. Thankfully, unbeknownst to him, another of my young Crew Chiefs stepped in to help me about 25 years ago when I needed someone most. To this day, I believe he was the detour on my road to becoming another statistic. I’ve thought often about how close I might have come to making a choice I couldn’t take back, and how a single act of kindness—just one person being there—can change everything.

Looking back, I can say I had a pretty good Air Force career, navigating through the highs and lows of twenty years in Minot, North Dakota. But life isn’t always defined by the highlights. Sometimes, the missteps and bad decisions cast long shadows. I’ve walked my share of rocky roads, not just the smooth concrete of a cold flightline. There were times I wondered if I could steady myself on the uneven ground I had created.

We’ve all heard the cliché of an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other, but the reality of those choices is far less clear-cut. I’ve seen it. I’ve lived it. I’ve been that poor, tortured soul who, more times than I’d like to admit, chose the devil. Those choices may not have been made with the intent to sabotage my life, but looking back, it’s clear how easily they set me on a slippery path.

It’s not about weakness—it’s about being human. And in those moments, when the ground beneath feels too unstable to hold us, we need each other more than ever. The small, often unnoticed acts of others can make all the difference in the world.

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This first appeared in The Havok Journal on December 4, 2024.

Lou Marin, a Christian grateful for Jesus’ gift to him, was born and raised in the western hills of Maine, then spent 20 plus years wandering the country and world in the United States Air Force. Maine Department of American Legion’s Historian, he is a photographer and stringer for The Maine Trust for Local News, published poet and short story writer who pens faith based devotionals. He lives in Rumford, Maine. He is author of an anthology of poems based upon his military career entitled “Dimly Seen Through The Mists,” and a book of faith based poems entitled “My Lighthouse In Troubled Times,” available through Pen It! Publications.

Lou can be reached at mbsphotog@yahoo.com or his Facebook Page.

As the Voice of the Veteran Community, The Havok Journal seeks to publish a variety of perspectives on a number of sensitive subjects. Unless specifically noted otherwise, nothing we publish is an official point of view of The Havok Journal or any part of the U.S. government.