In the Pursuit of Closure

I do not know how you will receive this, but my hope is with open grace and compassion. This is just something I wished I could have told you for the past couple years after finding clarity through the passing of time, personal introspection, life lessons and a recent shift in perspective. If you will oblige me, I just want to clarify some things before I never get a chance to; with no strings attached.

First let me start by just simply stating that I am so sorry for the years that I took your efforts and love for granted, and thus making everything else a priority but you. It hurts me now that I was so aloof when you were sacrificing and struggling to just shine bright enough for me to finally see you. You really tried with me. I fully acknowledge that, and I should have had more awareness; both self and social. I could not see you through my own self-inflicted distractions and I apologize for being so blind to the obvious.

I know it does not help that it has taken me so long to realize this. And worse, not putting aside my own pride and ego earlier which would have allowed me to get out of my own damn way and stop digging the distance between us deeper. I should have listened to my partner, shown up and proved that you were the most important person in my life rather than always being right or feeling insecure. I was completely lost.

I did not do my job providing a safe and stable environment for you to open up and communicate. Even though I kept insistently stressing to you how important communication was for the relationship. I created and lived a confusing double standard which led to inconsistency, instability and a lack of trust.

That was my fault, and I fully own that.

To make matters worse, my defensiveness also led to a condition of you shutting down and worse, not engaging further when alarms were going off. My own stress and insecurities at the time. Without healthy processing mechanisms, I stole from you the ability to engage with me without it turning against you. Again, you definitely tried but I was stuck in “react mode” rather than “respond mode.” There was nothing you could have done back then, I was asleep. You said you didn’t like how I talked to you. With that said, you were handing me the answer I needed to correct negative patterns. I was an idiot for not observing your messages as a warning and indicator for our relationship. Instead, I just internalized it and became defensive.

So, I want to finally say, and genuinely acknowledge you. I acknowledge the past you, the present and future you. You were right in so many ways and I ultimately fell short in just as many. I am so sorry.

We are all souls here, making mistakes and learning valuable lessons from each other. We all play a part in each other’s lives. We both had very valuable lessons to learn, both together and apart from each other. Recently I feel that a significant shift has occurred within me where I am showing up now balanced, in harmony, authentically and patiently for those around me. I had to go through a pretty intense dark journey alone to learn how to finally forgive myself in order to mature emotionally and move on, resulting in full forgiveness for the misplaced blame I put on you and others as well.

I had turned you into my villain which led to further separation and distance. It was time to finally take full ownership in the parts I played. What a powerful lesson it has been of full surrender, acceptance and accountability for my choices, behaviors and consequences. Since then, I have released the resentment I once harbored, as a misguided coping mechanism, against you and our chapters together. I take back every harsh word or feeling; spoken, written or thought. Those all resulted from an egoic sense of fear, anger, sadness and pride.

So, please trust, I am trying to be extremely delicate and respect your boundaries. I’ve struggled the past few weeks even sending this because it’s unclear where we stand with each other. Instead, if you ever discover this, I want to assure you I am not trying to open up old wounds, manipulate you or pressure you into anything here. You don’t even have to respond to this at all. This isn’t even a full comprehensive account of my honest apology. I’m just trying to keep it at a thousand words for my poor editor.

But I am just finally embracing what my intuition keeps telling me; to break the silence, fully account for my past poor behavior and validate your unrecognized feelings. You deserve the truth and acceptance from me finally whether you need it or not. I’ve really been trying to tune up lately and my intuition has been intensely pressing me to peek over your wall and finally acknowledge that you were justified to feel and act the way you did. I am sorry I had to make you choose.

So now, I fully accept everything as it was and as it is. No hard feelings. I release it all back to the Universe in order for me to move on. This lesson is complete. Not that it doesn’t provoke feelings of inner sadness still, but those are mine to accept, appreciate and continue to integrate now in a constructive way.

And not that it changes anything, but I wish I were then who I’ve grown to be now.

In another lifetime, I’ll do everything I can to make sure this never happens again. Until then, if you ever want to reconnect and talk about all this, I will be here to finally listen.

Nothing but love and gratitude for you and everything you perfectly showed me, beautiful soul.

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This first appeared in The Havok Journal on November 7, 2024.

Robb is a retired active Army veteran of 21 years, primarily serving as a Cavalry Scout. Having accomplished multiple combat tours, diverse global assignments and leadership roles, Robb retired as a First Sergeant of Shadow Troop, 1-33 CAV (Rakassans). From there, Robb went on to attempt his luck in the civilian sector as a Reliability Engineer at an international paper processing company during the pandemic. Not quite satisfied and feeling the draw to serve once again, Robb made his way back behind the gate working with some of the nation’s tip of spear warfighters on Fort Liberty, NC.

It was during this time that he was drawn into an esoteric spiritual journey of self-discovery and began peeling back the onion of how vanquishing spiritual warfare can serve as a personal force multiplier. Dropping all ties to dogmatic religious principles, Robb solely embarked into studies of the mystical and metaphysical for the answers of life. Now forged with this newfound purpose, Robb blends his current path of spiritual ascension along with his past experience of the rigors of military service in order to uplift the future of his brothers and sisters in arms.

“The answers we all seek lie in potential.”

As the Voice of the Veteran Community, The Havok Journal seeks to publish a variety of perspectives on a number of sensitive subjects. Unless specifically noted otherwise, nothing we publish is an official point of view of The Havok Journal or any part of the U.S. government.