Have Mercy

Sometimes, I have to hurt my terminally ill and physically disabled son to help him. Invasive procedures that make him cry may be necessary to prolong the longevity of his life. I hold him down while he pleads with me to stop, knowing that if I let go, I am surrendering him to something far worse.

They brought a local to the Battalion Aid Station (BAS) for help. The Afghan civilian’s head had been crushed between two Conex boxes while working at the Forward Operating Base (FOB). Brain matter and cerebrospinal fluid leaked from his ears, yet his chest still rose and fell with each labored breath.

“Mommy, help me!” he cries, but I can only hold him in place and whisper that I’m here. Offering him my presence instead of the freedom from pain that he begs for.

Since he wasn’t dead yet, medical didn’t want to waste the opportunity for hands-on training. They practiced intubating in front of the people who had brought him in, who watched, believing we were saving their friend. They didn’t know the truth.

I had a choice then. I could participate in what felt like cruelty masked as care, I could say something, like “This isnt right,” or I could walk away. I left him lying on that table at their mercy and ran from the barbarity of the scene to cry in private.

But there’s no running now. No looking away. No escape from the impossible choices. This time, I stay. I do what needs to be done, even when it breaks my heart.

Lord, have mercy on my son, even if I was unable to grant it myself.

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Lori Butierries is a full-time caregiver to two children with disabilities. She uses her life experiences and the medical knowledge she gained from serving as a Hospital Corpsman in the United States Navy to help others facing similar hardships. Lori is an author for The Havok Journal, an official columnist for AwareNow Magazine, and a contributor to The Mighty. Likewise, other news sites like MSN and Yahoo! News have also republished select articles Lori has written. Lori’s writing extends to children’s literature. Her debut picture book, GIFT FROM GOD, was self-published at the beginning of 2021 and placed as a finalist in two categories in the 2021 Next Generation Indie Book Awards. Lori’s long-term goals are to use her writing to educate others about, advocate for, and dismantle negative stereotypes regarding disability, mental health, and the military/veteran community.

As the Voice of the Veteran Community, The Havok Journal seeks to publish a variety of perspectives on a number of sensitive subjects. Unless specifically noted otherwise, nothing we publish is an official point of view of The Havok Journal or any part of the U.S. government.