Private Blows Entire Tax Return on Undriveable Humvee for “Off-Post Ops”

by Hugh Jashol

FORT HOOD CAVAZOS, TX — Art107 News has learned that, in true !st Cav tradition, PVT Dakota “War Wagon” Mitchell, a Cavalry Scout, spent his entire $3,127 tax return on a decommissioned Humvee he found on Craigslist listed as “combat-readyish.”

“I don’t need AC when I’ve got grit,” said Mitchell, moments before the front axle collapsed under the weight of his TikTok ego.

Mitchell planned to “roll deep to Whataburger” but only made it to the unit motor pool before the rusted monstrosity belched black smoke and summoned three confused warrant officers and one ghost of a Gulf War mechanic.

UPDATE: The Humvee has been repurposed as a company-level smoking area and unofficial gear dump.

*Article 107 News: The Facts, Before They Happen
Article 107 of the Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “false official statements.” As the name implies, Art107 News is Havok Journal’s satire wing, and you shouldn’t take anything published under this byline seriously. You should., however, mercilessly mock anyone who does.