NY Governor Wonders Why “Come Back So We Can Tax You!” Campaign is Failing

By Hugh Jashol, for Article 107 News*

ALBANY, NY — In a bold new approach to economic policy, New York Governor Kathy Hochul has unveiled what experts are calling a “revolutionary closed-loop taxation system,” in which state residents who do not like her policies are first encouraged to leave the state—then urgently asked to return so they can resume funding it.

The strategy, described by insiders as “Catch-and-Release Capitalism,” appears to be gaining traction among policymakers who believe traditional economics has simply been holding New York back.

“We are competing with low-tax states,” Hochul acknowledged recently, before clarifying that New York’s solution is to continue being a high-tax state—but with better branding.

Step 1: Tax Them

For years, New York has relied heavily on high-income earners to fund its expansive social programs—a system officials say works perfectly, provided those earners remain physically present and emotionally compliant.

However, some wealthy residents have reportedly responded to rising taxes with an unexpected and deeply inconsiderate behavior: leaving.

Between 2013 and 2022, New York and New Jersey lost nearly $700 billion in taxable income as residents relocated to lower-tax states like Florida and Texas.

Economists initially struggled to explain the phenomenon, as it appeared to contradict the long-standing theory that “people love paying more taxes.”

Step 2: Be Shocked When They Leave

State officials expressed confusion that individuals with both money and mobility would choose to live somewhere else when presented with higher tax burdens and aggressive enforcement policies.

“We didn’t realize they could just… go,” one anonymous policy advisor admitted, staring blankly at a map of Florida.

Even more surprising, remote work has enabled many high earners to sever their geographic ties to Manhattan, breaking what one official described as “our previous system of economic captivity.”

Step 3: Ask Them to Come Back

Undeterred, Governor Hochul has pivoted to the next phase of the plan: politely requesting the wealthy return to New York immediately.

“I need people who are high net worth to support the generous social programs that we want to have in our state,” she stated (no, really, this happened) even though the ridiculous taxes paid for NY’s ridiculous social programs are what drove them from the state in the first place. She’s basically asking rich people to move from the warm, conservative, and wealth-friendly state of Florida to the cold, crowded, and crazy-for-other-people’s-money state of New York.

“Go down to Palm Beach and see who you bring back,” Hochul also reportedly suggested, in what analysts believe is the first recorded instance of a governor outsourcing tax base recovery to voluntary social outreach.

Sources confirm the state is considering additional incentives, including:

• A heartfelt “We Miss You” email campaign
• A commemorative “I Survived New York Taxes” tote bag
• And the promise of being taxed “more thoughtfully” upon return

Step 4: Tax Them Again (But Smarter This Time)

Officials insist the goal is not simply to tax the wealthy—but to tax them strategically, which experts define as “continuing to do the same thing, but with better messaging.”

“I don’t have a problem philosophically,” Hochul said regarding taxing the rich, while simultaneously warning that doing so might drive them away.

This nuanced position—supporting taxes while fearing their consequences—has been praised as a masterclass in Schrödinger’s fiscal policy.

National Reaction

Other states have taken notice.

Florida officials, upon hearing New York’s plan, reportedly responded: “Bold strategy, Cotton.”

Texas has issued a statement confirming it will continue its current strategy of “not doing that.”

Experts Weigh In

Political analysts say the situation highlights a deeper contradiction:
New York needs wealthy residents to fund its programs, but its policies may incentivize those same residents to leave.

“This is like running a restaurant where you insult the customers, raise the prices, and then ask why everyone is eating next door,” said one economist.

What Comes Next

While no concrete policy changes have been announced, insiders suggest the state may soon explore additional innovations, including:

• Taxing former residents retroactively “just in case”
• Charging exit fees for leaving the state
• Or redefining Florida as a temporary New York borough for tax purposes

For now, the administration remains optimistic.

After all, if there’s one thing New York has proven, it’s that nothing attracts wealthy individuals quite like the promise of higher taxes and a warm invitation to return and pay them.

Article 107 News will continue to monitor this groundbreaking economic experiment, assuming the tax base doesn’t move to Miami first.

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Hugh Jashol is an imaginary former junior enlisted soldier in the US Army, who retired as an E4 after 10 years of service in the National Guard. And he’s STILL pissed that Marines stole his Playstation in Iraq.

*This article is a production of Article 107 News. Article 107 of the Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “false official statements.” Make of that what you will.

As the Voice of the Veteran Community, The Havok Journal seeks to publish a variety of perspectives on a number of sensitive subjects. Unless specifically noted otherwise, nothing we publish is an official point of view of The Havok Journal or any part of the U.S. government.