Iranians Capture Amanda Ryder, Haywood Jablowmi After Botched U.S. Rescue Mission

By Hugh Jashol for Article 107 News*

TEHRAN—In what’s left of Iran’s defense forces describe as “a highly dynamic success-adjacent operation,” Iranian state media confirmed Tuesday the capture of three Americans following what sources describe as a “botched but extremely well-intentioned” U.S. mission.

As evidence, Iranian officials showed a picture of an American military identification card, commonly known as a common access card or CAC. And because it was the Iranians, they also needed a tie-in to “the jooz,” so the definitely-not-AI-generated photo also conveniently included an Israeli border entry card.

“This convenient find PROVES to the WORLD that the Israelis and Americans are working hand in hand against the Islamic Republic,” said an Iranian official who refused to give his name, in fear of immediately getting a JDAM dropped on his head.

Amanda Ryder? That’s the best they could come up with, a name that sounds like ‘a man to ride her’? Who else did they find, Haywood Jablowmi, Iwanna Banghersnatch?” asked an incredulous CIA agent we reached out to for comment.

Well, yes, actually.

Also captured along with Amanda Ryder were CIA/Mossad agents Haywood Jablowmi, Iwanna Banghersnatch, according to Iran, which provided documentation to substantiate their claims. However, a closer examination of the documentation provided for “Amanda” revealed… subtle discrepancies that cast doubt on those claims.

The Iranians did, however, capture a set of pristine red, white, and blue underwear. Maybe the next mullah of Iran can wear it after he cleans his pants after his next near-miss.

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Hugh Jashol is an imaginary former junior enlisted soldier in the US Army, who retired as an E4 after 10 years of service in the National Guard. And he’s STILL pissed that Marines stole his Playstation in Iraq.

*This article is a production of Article 107 News. Article 107 of the Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “false official statements.” Make of that what you will.

As the Voice of the Veteran Community, The Havok Journal seeks to publish a variety of perspectives on a number of sensitive subjects. Unless specifically noted otherwise, nothing we publish is an official point of view of The Havok Journal or any part of the U.S. government.