Homeland Security Could Learn a Few Knots

by Brad Chillier
Chief Tactical Missteps Analyst for Article 107 News

The U.S. Army Ranger School at Fort Benning, Georgia, has offered a unique solution to the Department of Homeland Security’s “personal items” security issues: several hundred spools of 550-pound nylon parachute cord and a pair of seasoned Ranger instructors to demonstrate how to properly employ “Ranger-assist cords.”

Ranger-assist cords, more commonly known as “dummy cords,” are lengths of parachute cord used by Ranger students to physically tie essential gear and weapons to their bodies. This ensures that during the arduous, sleep-deprived ordeal that is Ranger School, no critical items vanish into the night. “It’s a foolproof method to ensure sensitive items don’t walk off,” said Staff Sergeant Ben Inharmsway, a member of the Ranger School cadre.

The offer came after the Secretary of Homeland Security had her purse stolen from a Washington, D.C., burger joint. Among the missing items: her Homeland Security access badge, $3,000 in cash, her passport, prescription medications, driver’s license, blank checks, and her apartment keys. “In Ranger School, losing that much gear would earn you an immediate NO-GO,” Staff Sergeant Inharmsway observed dryly.

The Army plans to dispatch its instructors to Homeland Security headquarters to provide classes on basic knot-tying, sensitive item accountability, and security protocols. “It all starts with the Patrol Leader,” said Inharmsway. “If leadership can’t manage simple security procedures, how can you expect the rest of the unit to do any better?”

“This kind of support to other federal agencies by the Department of Defense is becoming more common,” a Pentagon spokesperson commented. The recent deployment of over 9,000 U.S. military personnel to secure the U.S.–Mexican border is yet another reminder of the Pentagon’s willingness to bail out government agencies struggling to perform their most basic functions.

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Brad Chillier is a seasoned expert in identifying the kinds of leadership decisions that guarantee sensitive items, careers, and credibility all vanish without a trace.

*Article 107 News: The Facts, Before They Happen
Article 107 of the Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “false official statements.” As the name implies, Art107 News is Havok Journal’s satire wing, and you shouldn’t take anything published under this byline seriously. You should., however, mercilessly mock anyone who does.