Greenland To Be Re-Named “Mar-A-Igloo” On Official US Maps

By Hugh Jashol for Article 107 News*

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold cartographic maneuver that experts are calling “technically impossible but spiritually on-brand,” the White House announced Tuesday that Greenland will soon appear on official U.S. maps under its new name: Mar-A-Igloo.

The decision, according to administration officials, follows the same rock-solid precedent used when President Donald Trump previously referred to the Gulf of Mexico as the “Gulf of America,” a naming correction that aides insist was “long overdue” and “very popular with the water.”

“People come up to me, big map people, strong map people with tears in their eyes,” President Trump said while gesturing broadly at a globe turned upside down. “They say, ‘Sir, Greenland is very cold, very beautiful, but it doesn’t sound luxurious.’ And I agree. So we’re fixing it.”

A Branding Opportunity Frozen in Time

Administration sources say the renaming effort is part of a broader initiative to “bring luxury, patriotism, and vowels back to geography.” Under the proposal, Greenland’s new name — Mar-A-Igloo — reflects what officials describe as “a perfect blend of arctic authenticity and premium branding.”

“It’s still an igloo,” explained one senior aide. “But now it’s an exclusive igloo. The best igloo. You don’t just live there — you winter there.”

Interior Department mockups of the new maps reportedly feature Greenland outlined in gold, with palm trees crossed out and replaced by bald eagles wearing parkas.

Denmark Reacts Calmly, Confused

Officials in Denmark, which governs Greenland, responded with what diplomats described as “measured Nordic disbelief.”

“We were not consulted,” said one Danish spokesperson, pausing for several seconds before continuing. “Also, that is not how maps work.”

Greenlandic leaders were equally puzzled but cautiously optimistic.

“If this brings infrastructure investment, reliable Wi-Fi, or at least better snacks, we are willing to listen,” said one local official. “But we draw the line at golf courses on glaciers.”

Maps Are Already Being Updated (With Crayons)

Despite international confusion, U.S. agencies have reportedly begun updating internal materials. Early versions of the new maps show “Mar-A-Igloo” written in sharpie over Greenland, sometimes misspelled as “Mar-A-Iglu,” “Mar-A-Ig-loo,” or simply “Trump Ice Place.”

A leaked Pentagon briefing slide lists Mar-A-Igloo as “strategically important due to proximity to Russia, Canada, and Santa.”

The Department of Defense confirmed that no troops are being redeployed, but did acknowledge that someone briefly suggested a “Cold Weather Space Force Ski Team.”

The Gulf of America Precedent

White House officials were quick to point out that the Greenland renaming follows established precedent — specifically, President Trump’s earlier insistence on calling the Gulf of Mexico the Gulf of America.

“Once you rename one large body of water by saying it confidently enough, the rest of geography falls in line,” said a spokesperson. “That’s just science.”

Cartographers worldwide disagreed, noting that saying something loudly does not, in fact, change atlases. Several were later seen screaming into pillows.

What’s Next?

Sources close to the administration suggest Mar-A-Igloo may just be the beginning. Other rumored changes include:

• The North Pole rebranded as Freedom Pole
• Iceland renamed Greenland Plus
• The Arctic Circle reclassified as The Chill Zone
• Antarctica placed “under review” due to “nobody living there anyway”

As for Mar-A-Igloo itself, the President remains optimistic.

“It’s cold, it’s white, it’s huge,” Trump said. “Frankly, it’s been underperforming for years. We’re going to turn it around.”

At press time, Google Maps had not updated the name, but several Trump supporters had already done so manually using screenshot tools, determination, and vibes.

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Hugh is an imaginary former junior enlisted soldier in the US Army, who retired as an E4 after 10 years of service in the National Guard. He thinks soldier-run day care is a GREAT idea.

*This article is a production of Article 107 News. Article 107 of the Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “false official statements.” Make of that what you will.

As the Voice of the Veteran Community, The Havok Journal seeks to publish a variety of perspectives on a number of sensitive subjects. Unless specifically noted otherwise, nothing we publish is an official point of view of The Havok Journal or any part of the U.S. government.