Combat-Ready but Feelings-First

by Tammy Pondsmith, Director of Tactical Sensitivity and Adaptive Warfighting Inclusion Metrics for Article 107 News

In the grand tradition of empires in decline, the latest outrage sweeping the ranks isn’t about losing wars or hemorrhaging recruitment numbers—it’s that women in combat roles might be asked to meet the same physical standards as men. Scandalous. What’s next—asking pilots to see straight or submariners to know how to swim?

Yes, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth, that scowling heretic of equality-by-expectation, has suggested a heresy so vile it could crumble the foundation of modern progressive warfare: standards should apply to everyone equally in combat roles. Predictably, this sparked panic among the bravely keyboard-deployed warriors of equality, who are quick to remind us that “readiness” has many definitions—preferably ones that accommodate a gentle jog and feelings of inclusion.

“I don’t want to be somewhere I’m not wanted,” cried one veteran, as if the battlefield were a brunch spot with bad vibes. But really, what is lethality without diversity metrics and a warm, inclusive foxhole? Forget fire superiority—have you tried belonging?

Critics argue these standards are just about “brute strength,” as though dragging a bleeding squadmate from a burning MRAP is merely CrossFit cosplay. Others lament that standards hurt recruitment, raising the obvious question: why stop there? Why not lower the bar until everyone, regardless of age, condition, or ambition, can step over it? After all, if anyone can do anything, shouldn’t everyone be a Navy SEAL by lunchtime?

This absurdity only makes sense in a world where failing a test means the test is broken—not the performance. “Equality” has become the sacred banner beneath which standards are sacrificed—ironically, the very thing that made the military, well, military.

But hey, as long as we keep our eyes on the real enemies—push-ups and pull-ups—we’ll be just fine.

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Tammy Pondsmith once redefined asymmetric warfare by equipping battalions with emotional support lattes and redefining “fire superiority” as a group affirmation exercise.

*Article 107 of the military’s Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “False Official Statements.” As our name implies, we are a satirical news site, and you shouldn’t think anything we publish is real. You should, however, mercilessly mock anyone who does.