The Incident • The Havok Journal

by an anonymous Veteran

It happened at a command Christmas party

I was the designated driver

The Parachute Rigger’s Chief kept plying me with alcohol

I didn’t know how to say no

I was 19 years old

An adult who knew right from wrong

But I chose to make myself vulnerable to be preyed upon

But is it even fair to call myself prey?

I mean, if we were both drunk, weren’t we BOTH unable to consent?

Besides that, what if, what if it wasn’t violent?

What if it was perpetrated by an ex-boyfriend?

What if my body responded to his familiar touch even though I said no as I lay there hardly able to move?

What if he thought I was flirting or playing hard to get?

Is it my fault?

I am the one who put myself in this position after all.

I hate that I do not know the answer to that question.

The thing that bothers me the most is that I can count on one hand how many lovers I have ever had and I am not sure if I should add that incident to the list or not?

There should be no confusion or mystery surrounding intercourse, but all I know for sure is that I feel responsible and still wrestle with this memory twenty years after it occurred.

U.S. Navy Petty Officer 2nd Class Nancy Reyes of Charlotte, N.C., Provincial Reconstruction Team Farah Female Engagement Team member, begins to put on her headscarf in preparation for an all-women’s shura conducted in the Shib Koh district in Farah province, Afghanistan, July 10. The women’s shura was proposed by Haidari, who invited the FET to listen to the issues and concerns of the women residing in the district. Source.

As the Voice of the Veteran Community, The Havok Journal seeks to publish a variety of perspectives on a number of sensitive subjects. Unless specifically noted otherwise, nothing we publish is an official point of view of The Havok Journal or any part of the U.S. government.