by an anonymous Veteran
It happened at a command Christmas party
I was the designated driver
The Parachute Rigger’s Chief kept plying me with alcohol
I didn’t know how to say no
I was 19 years old
An adult who knew right from wrong
But I chose to make myself vulnerable to be preyed upon
But is it even fair to call myself prey?
I mean, if we were both drunk, weren’t we BOTH unable to consent?
Besides that, what if, what if it wasn’t violent?
What if it was perpetrated by an ex-boyfriend?
What if my body responded to his familiar touch even though I said no as I lay there hardly able to move?
What if he thought I was flirting or playing hard to get?
Is it my fault?
I am the one who put myself in this position after all.
I hate that I do not know the answer to that question.
The thing that bothers me the most is that I can count on one hand how many lovers I have ever had and I am not sure if I should add that incident to the list or not?
There should be no confusion or mystery surrounding intercourse, but all I know for sure is that I feel responsible and still wrestle with this memory twenty years after it occurred.
As the Voice of the Veteran Community, The Havok Journal seeks to publish a variety of perspectives on a number of sensitive subjects. Unless specifically noted otherwise, nothing we publish is an official point of view of The Havok Journal or any part of the U.S. government.