Lost Heart: I Remember James Foley

Girlfriends, wives, significant others…you love them more than life, or so you think. Shit happens, people die, people you know and the world changes on the brink of a dime. You would do anything for your friends, family, children… or would you?

I am a married man, happily married, madly in love married. I have two babies and two more on the way (yes, twin girls). I love my family more than life, or so I thought.

The recent news that broke about journalist James Foley, the US journalist beheaded by ISIS, actually makes me wonder how madly in love I really am with my own family.

It’s confusing and my emotions are incredibly difficult to write on paper. But truth of the matter is, there has been no other time than now, hearing the news about the beheading of James Foley, a man I once met and actually drank with in a hell torn land, where I actually have wanted to leave my family.

It’s crazy. Maybe the news and actions of ISIS has gotten the best of me but I have never wanted to go back overseas more than ever. I am enraged. My emotions have gotten the best of me and more than ever, I want to put my family on hold for pay back.

I want to go on the hunt… to find the bastards that killed James. I want to go into the lands of the evil scum who have no appreciation of life and become one of them. I want to actually do the very thing they have done to the innocent… I want to brutally annihilate them. But I won’t.

The recent ISIS video of the decapitation of James Foley is receiving the reactions ISIS wants. They want Americans to become irrational. They want us to act on emotion rather than true conscious. They have played a game, a game I know about too well—a Psychological Operation (PSYOP) game.

I remember speaking with Jim. I remember his voice, I remember his facial expressions and I remember his passion. Unfortunately, I see his face. I see it while I am awake, not dreaming. I see his head and his voice to me, but his body is nowhere to be seen. I am haunted.

My thoughts and emotions is exactly what the terrorist wanted to achieve. They wanted to psychologically fuck with Americans. Some would say they succeeded. I too would say they exceeded in their mission. They have terrorized me. But did they?

The terrorist want us to fear them. The terrorist wish to instill a fear that is so overwhelming, we will actually succumb to their demands. If we fall victim to their PSYOP campaign, they win.

Instead of falling victim, we should be enraged. We should be so enraged, that our passion becomes overwhelmed with brilliance. Yes, I want to leave my family and go abroad once again to fight and destroy the enemy that has terrorized many. But this would be wrong. This would be playing into their hands, letting them win the PSYOP battle before the war even really gets started.   

So what is right?

Time is a virtue and time is what is needed as horrific as that may sound. Time will bring our nation’s leaders to a decision of action. It is time and their decision which is needed full support.

We may agree or disagree with our leader’s decisions. We may actually be called upon to re-enter the gates of hell and fight the evil in this world. If that happens, I know many of my brothers and sisters will stand with me.  Then again, we may not be called upon for such actions. Either way, no matter the decision, we must become one with that and adhere to our nation’s calling or lack thereof.

James Foley will be missed. I will be haunted with the nightmare of seeing his face.  And more than likely, I will be haunted  once again with the nightmare I had to deal with not long ago—a nightmare where I was once captured by Islamists and hacked by a dull knife at my throat.

James wouldn’t want these feelings, thoughts, visualization, or dreams. I know this. He would want people to be at peace. But how does one come to peace knowing what was recently done to him? That, I do not have the answer for yet. But for now, I feel like I lost my heart.

havokjournal@blacksideconcepts.com