What’s a Friend?

What’s a friend? Seemed like a good question, something I could write about it a night, wrap it up comfortable the next morning or afternoon and send it on to Havok by the end of the business day. Just to be safe, I decided to let it percolate for a while in my back brain before hitting the first key. And then a day or two became a week or two. That’s when I realized this wouldn’t be as easy as I first thought.

Most of the readers of Havok have served in the Armed Forces and will probably volunteer one definition: A friend’s got your back. And for those who have been deployed: Damn right – your friend better have your back and vice versa. Lots of stories about friends under fire. And for those of you who have been under fire, probably not more to say. End of discussion. Yup. And thank you for protecting our country and saving my ass.

I’m writing these ramblings in part as a payback. If  you’ve been there — THANKS,  and if you’re serving now – THANKS in advance. Let’s hope your presence is keeping us safe and we don’t have to worry about enemy fire. You’re all friends!

What’s a friend when we’re not under fire? And how can I become a friend for you, and just as important – since friendship goes two ways – how can I let you become a friend for me?

I think there’s a need for openness, being vulnerable. Just a thought: under fire all combatants are vulnerable. Of necessity you pray the others have your back!

Good trick trying to be a friend when you’ve never met and can be thousands of miles away and old enough to be your grandfather. So I’ll toss out some initial ideas and words about friendship and write them down on the flip chart: open, vulnerable, accepting, loyal, caring … Plenty of room for you to add your own words. Heck, I was a teacher 60 years ago. You now have a homework assignment. Write “Friendship” on the top of a piece of paper and add your own words and ideas as the week goes on. And if I didn’t say so, I don’t have any definitive answer here – in life there’s never any definitive answer that’s going to work for everyone.

OK. I’ll take one word at a time and put it the top of another sheet and together we’ll try to fill out the page, see how far we get. We get stuck, we’ll go on to the next. This is a class that will run the full semester. Stick it out until we graduate. We’ll try to have some fun.

OPEN: — it doesn’t matter what you look like, race, gender, politics, amount of money in the bank. Who cares when the bullets go flying? Interesting way of looking at things.

Here’s an aside. I like to swim laps. Sometimes the pool is crowded and I need to share a lane. At times the other person sharing the lane splashes away using a stroke – breast or back that goes across the full lane or worse yet the swimmer doesn’t stay to their side. Working out, adrenalin gets going and I start muttering (well in the water that would be stupid) until I remember that anyone can get a cramp and go down – and stupid of me get angry since this flub-a-dub could be the one to reach over and grab me by my beard and bring me to the surface! Good friend there!

So back to open. I have to accept a person as they are and where they are. Likewise, to enable another to be my friend and have to let them know and see who and what I am – pimples and all. No, not as some confessional, but we have to be real.

I’m going to leave room on the OPEN page and move on to vulnerable.

VULNERABLE: — I may get hurt. Friends deal will feelings – ups and downs. Am I willing to hold your hand if you’re hurt and just as tough, reach out my own hand for help if I’m hurt? Am I willing to feel your pain? Or accept the fact that I may not have any answers for your challenges and likewise, you for mine? Can I just be there for you? If we wear a “warrior” hat this is a tough one: to accept that in friendships there can be some defeats.

Probably one I’m going to sleep on this as I just heard the bell-ring – class over for a while. Remember this is a cooperative class where we’re all students and teachers at the same time.

___________________________________

Ken was a Professor of Mathematics, a ceramicist, a welder, and an IBMer until downsized in 2000. He taught yoga until COVID-19 decided otherwise. He continues writing, living with his wife and beagle in Shorewood, Wisconsin. He enjoys chamber music and mysteries. He’s a homebrewer and runs whitewater rivers. Ken is a writer and his literary works can be found at https://www.kmkbooks.com/

He welcomes feedback on his articles and can be reached at havokjournal@havokmedia.com.

As the Voice of the Veteran Community, The Havok Journal seeks to publish a variety of perspectives on a number of sensitive subjects. Unless specifically noted otherwise, nothing we publish is an official point of view of The Havok Journal or any part of the U.S. government.