What is Friendship?

Last time, “What’s a Friend – I,” we were struggling to define friendship. We talked about openness and vulnerability as aspects of friendship. I’m not discounting going for coffee or beers, or taking trips together. But I think that’s the result of being friends – doubt I’d like to take a trip with someone I didn’t like – though come to think of it, maybe having a beer with an acquaintance can be a first step in becoming friends.

There are lots of activities and things that friends do together or share. If you weren’t a friend, you wouldn’t be spending “free” time together.

When I was in school eons ago, if you were asked to write an essay about xyz you’d go to the dictionary and look up the word. Somewhere in the first paragraph or second you’d write: “Webster defines xyz as….” Now we’d go online. [Hopefully not to use AI.] So here it is from the online Oxford dictionary, with my edits, offers the following definition: A friend is someone you know and with whom there is a bond of mutual affection. Hmm. Yeh, but. I’d say the good old online Oxford needs help. So I Googled it and got a couple more “hits.”

I found one window about what’s a true friend where it was suggested that a true friend is someone who accepts you unconditionally. OK. I’d add that in any relationship it should be reciprocal.  Also a true friend supports you when the going gets rough and helps you grow – I’d add then that there’s trust to also be truthful, even critical at times.

And then I clicked on good friend: someone who cares about you, what’s going on in your life. A good friend listens to what you say and tries to understand what you feel and your own personal challenges. They accept you for what you are and are not judgmental.

I’m going to suggest that we include all of the above aspects of a true friend and a good friend in our definition of what it means to be a friend. And again, as I think and write, I’m feeling that mutuality has to be a pillar of any friendship.

Let’s return to the other words from the previous essay: accepting, loyal, caring. And, as before, let’s put one word at a time at the top of our page.

ACCEPTING: Oops. I’ll own the following.  As my wife points out, accepting can be a challenge. Guys typically operate in solution mode – someone comes to you with a problem and before it’s half-way out their mouth your brain is going and before they can finish you interrupt with: why don’t you do this, or how about that. You mean well, you care, perhaps too much and that keeps you from just being there for them. There are always times when your partner needs a listener, not a problem solver. Yup. Accepting is another pillar of being a friend.

LOYAL: Friends stick by one another through thick and thin. Should be obvious. Otherwise you’re a “fair weather” friend – I’d say, not a friend at all. Friends can argue, disagree, but when the dust settles – they’re still friends.

CARING: Friends take risks that go beyond pointing out a smudge on the others face but are willing to address what they feel may have been a big mistake. And reciprocally, there’s that word again, friends should care enough about one another to take any pushback that may result. Not an easy thing to do – to take risk with your buddy.

OK. How’s this for an idea? Why not share these essays with a friend? Get their take on all these facets of the diamond that’s friendship. Explore other facets that you discover for yourselves over a cup of coffee or a beer. Could be interesting.

And not just one more thing – friendship is a growing relationship. Consider the following: A couple of essays back I wrote about finding kindness up in the GWN – Great White North – of Wisconsin. How? When I was out walking and got caught in a downpour, a stranger popped his head out of a double-wide trailer, offering to give me a ride home. I knew he had young kids home since I passed them earlier on my walk. I said it wasn’t necessary and thanked him. I’m 82 so I amble along, definitely not a power walker. I thought it was nice, a one-off. Kindness. I forgot that a couple of days later I was out walking again. It wasn’t raining. But another pickup slowed down as they passed me and the man asked if I needed a ride. Again I thanked him and declined. So here it is 10 days later that I realized that perhaps I was being shown that kindness is really out there and is not just a one-off.

And now that I think of it, perhaps it’s KINDNESS, all in capitals, that is at the core of friendship: it’s there, the ability to be kind to one another no matter what. Extending kindness to others is a way of befriending the whole world and hopefully the start of a friendship between you and others.

Unfortunately there have been recent articles about increases in suicides, in particular in the military. You all have my back. Please know that I care. FRIENDS CARE. The Havok Community cares. Reach out if you need to and please reach out to others. It’s a very important part of being a friend!

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Ken was a Professor of Mathematics, a ceramicist, a welder, and an IBMer until downsized in 2000. He taught yoga until COVID-19 decided otherwise. He continues writing, living with his wife and beagle in Shorewood, Wisconsin. He enjoys chamber music and mysteries. He’s a homebrewer and runs whitewater rivers. Ken is a writer and his literary works can be found at https://www.kmkbooks.com/

He welcomes feedback on his articles and can be reached at havokjournal@havokmedia.com.

As the Voice of the Veteran Community, The Havok Journal seeks to publish a variety of perspectives on a number of sensitive subjects. Unless specifically noted otherwise, nothing we publish is an official point of view of The Havok Journal or any part of the U.S. government.