The Gray Before Redemption

I think it’s safe to say I have a habit of ruining my life. Perhaps it’s the redundancy of normalcy that triggers my self-destructive habits, or perhaps it’s learned behavior over time. Recently, though, I’ve done much introspection on the fact that the things I’ve experienced in life have caused me to feel uncomfortable in the quiet, peaceful moments—and that chaos is most familiar to me. I am most at ease in the eye of the storm; when the wind and rage of the tempest threaten to consume me, I feel most at home. Needless to say, this nagging feature of my psyche has caused inestimable damage to my family—and to myself.

Being in the military taught me to live in “the gray.” Out of necessity, I learned to provide information only when requested or demanded, rather than take an active role in my own truthfulness. For example, I learned early in my military career that while integrity is paramount, operational needs and the successful completion of the mission dictate everything. During my first deployment, sitting quietly and sipping chai with a terrorist giving me valuable information became a normal habit. Saying half-truths to placate these monsters’ desires was a necessary operational behavior, and lies of omission became commonplace in my existence. The lines blurred between operational needs and normal life, and my moral compass became clouded and shady.

It goes without saying that a relationship built on mutual trust is paramount. Subconsciously, I accepted this as truth. Yet practically, my constant life of various shades of grey became my standard rather than the anomaly. I continued to operate as if each day were a verbal jousting match, giving what truth was operationally necessary yet never truly revealing my full hand of bad cards and broken dreams.

The compounding effect of years of this type of monochromatic “truth” concealed my darkest and most secret failures, flaws, and sins. Ironically, the very truth that I yearned to experience slipped further and further away, lost in the chasm of lies and half-truths. Seemingly insurmountable obstacles rose higher and became more daunting: fear, shame, failure, and pride became the terrors of my subconscious and the specters of my dreams. What if people knew how terrible I had become? What if my wife were to discover that the man she loved had become the monster he so feared becoming—that the nightmare was reality? What if, what if, what if…

The truth is that the light, when it finally shined on the ghosts of the past, revealed that the giants I had imagined were, in fact, crumbled ruins exposing a myriad of hurts, pains, sadness, and regret. Light brings healing. Light brings growth. Decades of monochromatic lies, half-truths, omissions, and fearful denials were all revealed in one blazing instance of vulnerable truth that became the center of my redemptive story.

Pain was instant, cleansing, and excruciating. The tattered soul that I had asphyxiated by my own shame and regret began to breathe—deeply—the precious oxygen of Truth. Truth is the great titan of change, clearing all shadows in its path and cutting down the demons of deception, shame, and fear. Without truth, there can be no redemption.

While I have not yet attained it, this I do: I press on toward the upward call of God on my life to live fully in the light. No more lies. No more grey shadows clouding the vision of an undaunted future. I have discovered that Love is strangled by living in the grey. I have been reborn, and with rebirth comes the opportunity to truly give and receive Love.

The love my family had so desperately needed could finally be nurtured into something true and beautiful—though perhaps at the ultimate cost. I have accepted that Jesus loves me, despite me. That’s real Truth. And with the departure of my own prideful and monochromatic paradigm, I can now find, finally: Redemption.

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Aaron Smith is a Special Forces Veteran with multiple combat deployments. He lives in Colorado with his family and loves Jesus, spending time outdoors, and giving back to the Veteran Community.

As the Voice of the Veteran Community, The Havok Journal seeks to publish a variety of perspectives on a number of sensitive subjects. Unless specifically noted otherwise, nothing we publish is an official point of view of The Havok Journal or any part of the U.S. government.