Through Their Eyes: I’ll Never Forget the Look

by Warriors Heart

“I’ll never forget the look in his eyes, while he was squeezing my neck. He stared through me. Mac was no longer the man I fell in love with… he was a demon, intent on squeezing the last breath from my lungs. He wanted to kill me.”

Three years ago, Margo was on a date with her then-boyfriend, Mac, a former Army Specialist, celebrating the recent lifting of COVID regulations in their town. Excited to spend the night away from the four walls they had become so used to, Margo reserved a hotel room, dinner at one of the town’s nicest restaurants and dessert at their favorite spot. Above all the promises the night possessed, Margo was most excited about one thing, “Mac promised he wouldn’t get drunk.”

Friends for nearly a decade, and paramours for less than two, Margo had always known Mac to have an affinity for Jameson. He numbed the visions of pain, death and suffering he’d witnessed first-hand with several drinks every night; shoving them to the back of his mind where they festered. “I can’t remember a night when he wasn’t at least buzzed. He’d start drinking at 2:00…even have a to-go cup on the way to pick up the kids.”

It had been over twelve years since Mac fell asleep sober for more than one night at a time. The inevitable flashbacks of what he’d experienced during his time in the Army, with multiple deployments became his personal nightmare. He served his country, protecting his teammates, and erasing the enemy as a threat.

“Mac would tell me stories of the things he saw. No person can ever be fully equipped for or prepared to see…let alone, do!”

Margo would let him drink, unknowingly enabling him with a bottle of wine. She quickly found herself gaining weight, away from the gym, and in a fog most of the mornings. “Covid did NOT help that situation on bit! It was so easy to just pour a drink – no one was going anywhere anyway.”

Realizing what was happening, she decided it was time to quit drinking all together, in hopes that Mac would notice and follow suit. “He definitely drank less – and he was proud of that. So in celebration, we planned a date as soon as the restrictions became less strict.”

As Margo’s relationship with Mac went from friendship to something more intimate, she witnessed first-hand when Mac would have bouts of real anger, chalking it up to the life of a single father, stresses from work and lack of sleep. Functioning through each day, “only partially sober,” he was able to pull himself together for work and his children. Always the life of the party in social settings, he was confident that people would think there was nothing wrong with him because he looked and acted normal. 

What they didn’t see, was that when he was home alone, or with Margo, the isolation was the invitation for his personal anguish. “He would walk into the kitchen and pour himself a drink in the same metal tumbler. I’d hear the clang of the ice hitting the floor of that stupid cut, and I knew he was on a mission to  find the bottom of another bottle, just to black out the memories of his past.”

The battlefield at home has proven to be a far greater a foe than any frontline – domestic or overseas. Veterans, active members of the military, first responders, and firefighters are often faced with traumatic events during their service. The experiences they live each day slowly cause a feeling of dread that can lead to PTS and unravel into a dependency on alcohol and substance abuse as they seek comfort from nightmares, flashbacks, and more; further heightening the damage caused by the memories of those events.

Many of our nation’s heroes are faced with fighting this personal war, every day. They’ve used alcohol, prescription medication or self-medication to reduce the impact of these memories. However, life hasn’t become easier. In fact, these surface level managements only seem to drive deeper into that darkness. Have you ever pulled a weed from the ground only to see a new weed spring up in its place a few weeks later? This is how it is with the struggles our heroes face – if you don’t dig deep to grab the issue by the root, it will continue to exist and grow out of control.

Warriors Heart – a private treatment facility, exclusively for Warriors, providing care for addiction, chemical dependency & PTS for active military, veterans, law enforcement and first responders – understands the unique demands of our warriors, and works to successfully navigate healing and recovery while in the company of people who personally understand each experience.

The role of a warrior requires you to be combat-ready, while maintaining the capacity to serve as a counselor, executioner, priest, lawyer or social worker all at once. This deep sense of dignity, respect and courage is more often the reason why so many of these men and women are unwilling to seek help, fearing it will jeopardize their jobs or make them look weak.

Warriors Heart recognizes the need for a cultural shift to provide these warriors with the support they deserve, without the stigma of appearing fragile; offering a sanctuary for sick and suffering members of the Warrior community to come together under one common goal – to recover.

Having experienced or witnessed a deeply distressing or terrifying event, seen innocent life taken, witnessed friends being wounded or been caught for what seemed like days in the heat of a firefight, some memories you’d rather forget. Some of your experiences leave a mark on you that changes the way you see the world.

“There are many different forms of PTS,” stated Tom Spooner, Co-Founder of Warriors Heart. “You can’t simply look at someone suffering from trauma and expect to treat them the same. Volunteer PTS, which is most common in Military and First Responders, requires a much different level of care than that of victim PTS. The trauma is different; therefore, the healing must be as well.”

One of the main concerns of dealing with those suffering with PTS is that it’s not visible. “You don’t see a missing a limb, scars or burns,” stated Spooner. “To the outside world you don’t appear any different from the person standing beside you. You’re not special, you have no issue, no disability to really claim. For many, they don’t feel as though their issue, isn’t severe enough.”

As Margo stood, with Mac’s hands wrapped around her neck, the only thing she could say was, “The kids,” which seemed to have zero effect. Eventually the phone in their hotel room rang, and the voice of an angel was on the other end when Margo picked up, “Yes ma’am, this is the front desk – just calling to check on you, as people from your hall have called in concerns.”

Humiliated, and with a trembling voice Margo explained that everything was okay as she thanked the gentleman on the other line and hung up. “I was terrified to turn around to see if he would be standing there – but he wasn’t. He had crawled into bed, and went to sleep.”

Using this moment of peace for her exit, she quickly packed her bags and left Mac alone in the room with a note, “You won’t remember that you tried to kill me last night after you drank – that you threw me against the mirror, or that you choked me out. But you did.”

Margo eventually had to walk away from the life with Mac. “There was always an excuse as to why it was okay to drink. I couldn’t live a life with that anymore. And I couldn’t continue to pretend to be that crutch.”

There is a well-known saying among veterans and first responders, “The only one that knows what a soldier is going through is another soldier.” Margo sought out the help of Mac’s friends, behind his back – she knew there was someone inside who needed help, and part of her refused to give up on him. Learning of this outreach, Mac angrily demanded she “Keep [his] name out of [your] mouth!” While his friends have offered the services of healing, which are available to SOF, Veterans and Warriors, Mac continues to fight his demons on his own.

Regardless of how strong you are, how fit for battle you might believe yourself to be, some battles require a force.

Warriors Heart knows first-hand the magnitudes of being in battle, and provides a place where that mentality, warriors helping warriors, resides in the hearts of every member of the team. Other warriors and team members personally connect with those who have reached a point in their life where they think they have nothing to live for; showing them that strength is found in this unique facility, that simply and truly believes in the power of the warrior community, the power of each human who walks through the door of Warriors Heart and the power of each graduate who proudly emerges through the gates after graduation.

Ecclesiastes 4:12  And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken.

If you or a warrior need help with addiction, PTS or co-occurring issues, please contact Warriors Heart’s 24-hour hotline (844-448-2567) answered by warriors and/or visit https://warriorsheart.com.

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As the Voice of the Veteran Community, The Havok Journal seeks to publish a variety of perspectives on a number of sensitive subjects. Unless specifically noted otherwise, nothing we publish is an official point of view of The Havok Journal or any part of the U.S. government.