by Aaron Smith
I’m torn
Torn between two worlds, two emotions
Two paradigms
Cut in two by my past, and the healing that offered me solace and a new beginning
Memories of it all,
Like dancing shadows
Appear and disappear at a whim,
Too momentary to grasp and too fragile to remember
I see the small green-eyed girl
Full of life and happiness as I gave her a small gift
I see the dark-eyed little boy
Afraid
I gave him a Chem-light as we destroyed his family’s home
I see the streams, full of vibrance
The mountains bursting with splendor
I can smell the fresh bread
And hear the bustling of the market, always bargaining, bargaining
I see the white-toothed smile of the man
Who sold me the painting of
Kandarhar
I hear the laughter of the mischievous children
Grasping for small bags of American candy
But now, beautiful moments remembered are only shadows and dust
There is no more
Of what once was
I’m torn between Rage and Sadness
Some days, one outweighs the other,
Yet, they are still there
Turmoil
Like a deep, deep ocean in my soul
Rages, Rages-
Could I have done more?
Can I do more?
What Can I Do?
The man that I used to be wants to emerge, reborn
The anger and purpose
The righteous hatred
The malevolence
Some days
I want to become the angel of death that I was,
To visit the iron hand of destruction on those that have earned it
But
I look in my son’s eyes
I see Hope
Promise
Future
Legacy
Love
I am torn
Between Rage and Sadness
I am torn because I cannot be what I once was
I am torn because I cannot change what I once did
I am torn between two worlds
The sadness I have for Afghans that I’ve known,
That are now abandoned
Will not be sated by platitudes or empty promises
I will feel this sadness for the rest of my life
To my brothers who gave their bodies
Their lives
Know that this is not over
We who love you will never forget,
And will never let the world forget
You gave everything you had for us, and we are eternally grateful
Rage, and Sadness
We will not forget
This first appeared in The Havok Journal on September 8, 2021.
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