Rage and Sadness

by Aaron Smith

I’m torn

Torn between two worlds, two emotions

Two paradigms

Cut in two by my past, and the healing that offered me solace and a new beginning

Memories of it all,

Like dancing shadows

Appear and disappear at a whim,

Too momentary to grasp and too fragile to remember

I see the small green-eyed girl

Full of life and happiness as I gave her a small gift

I see the dark-eyed little boy

Afraid

I gave him a Chem-light as we destroyed his family’s home

I see the streams, full of vibrance

The mountains bursting with splendor

I can smell the fresh bread

And hear the bustling of the market, always bargaining, bargaining

I see the white-toothed smile of the man

Who sold me the painting of
Kandarhar

I hear the laughter of the mischievous children

Grasping for small bags of American candy

But now, beautiful moments remembered are only shadows and dust

There is no more

Of what once was

I’m torn between Rage and Sadness

Some days, one outweighs the other,

Yet, they are still there

Turmoil

Like a deep, deep ocean in my soul

Rages, Rages-

Could I have done more?
Can I do more?

What Can I Do?

The man that I used to be wants to emerge, reborn

The anger and purpose

The righteous hatred

The malevolence

Some days

I want to become the angel of death that I was,

To visit the iron hand of destruction on those that have earned it

But

I look in my son’s eyes

I see Hope

Promise

Future

Legacy

Love

I am torn

Between Rage and Sadness

I am torn because I cannot be what I once was

I am torn because I cannot change what I once did

I am torn between two worlds

The sadness I have for Afghans that I’ve known,

That are now abandoned

Will not be sated by platitudes or empty promises

I will feel this sadness for the rest of my life

To my brothers who gave their bodies

Their lives

Know that this is not over

We who love you will never forget,

And will never let the world forget

You gave everything you had for us, and we are eternally grateful

Rage, and Sadness

We will not forget

This first appeared in The Havok Journal on September 8, 2021.

As the Voice of the Veteran Community, The Havok Journal seeks to publish a variety of perspectives on a number of sensitive subjects. Unless specifically noted otherwise, nothing we publish is an official point of view of The Havok Journal or any part of the U.S. government.