Retrogression • The Havok Journal

Its generic blue tint looks like a night’s rest that for the last few weeks has escaped.

Never did I think that one day it would turn into the shrill of an ambulance siren.

Years passed and I developed a taste, graduating to painkillers and benzos.

It has been 10 years since my first pill, the DoD prescribed them faster than I could request it.

It was so easy to escape with a few pills just to get through the day and nights.

It has been 5 war zones, 9 combat deployments, 3 brothers KIA, and 1 Divorce.

Yet through it all, they were always here, now the VA just sends them in the mail.

It has been a few weeks since my last relapse, I guess I was still trying to escape the truth.

Not having physical symptoms does it still make you an addict?

Does trying to escape the pain and fears with pills make me an addict?

I’m just trying to numb what I feel, the trauma, the guilt, all I need is one more pill.

______________________

Sgt. Auralie Suarez and Private Brett Mansink take cover during a firefight with guerrilla forces in the Al Doura section of Baghdad on the 7th of March. The soldiers are from Company C, 5th Battalion, 20th Infantry Regiment, 3rd Brigade Combat Team, 2nd Infantry Division. 21 March 2007. Source.

This first appeared in The Havok Journal on July 29, 2022.

Clay D is a father and veteran of 5 war zones with 9 combat deployments, 3 brothers KIA, and 1 Divorce. Most of his adult life was spent in the Middle East & South East Asia.

As the Voice of the Veteran Community, The Havok Journal seeks to publish a variety of perspectives on a number of sensitive subjects. Unless specifically noted otherwise, nothing we publish is an official point of view of The Havok Journal or any part of the U.S. government.