My Personal Guard

If you walk into my living room, the first thing that will stand out is a painting approximately 4′ by 5′ of The Night Watch by Rembrandt. It sits high on the wall over my TV. The painting itself depicts numerous members of a civic guard company being called into action. The name itself is a misnomer since it does not take place at night. The painting itself was a gift from a friend of mine in return for helping look after his elderly mother while he was living out of town. Her father had received it as a retirement gift from the FDNY.

To the left of that, by the entrance to the bedroom, hangs my grandfather’s promotion from Captain to Major when he served in the Mexican Cavalry during the post-revolution era. The document is dated 1923 and has his picture while in uniform.

On the opposite side of the room, I have a shelf that contains a picture of my uncle in uniform. He was a police officer in Mexico and helped raise me after my dad passed away. There’s also a picture of my dad with his brother and friend when they were playing soccer together on a team in Mexico. 

I’ve had the worst insomnia imaginable since I can remember, probably since about the time my dad passed away, which was when I was six years old.  At the same time, once asleep, I experience many nightmares from when I was on the job as a police officer, from watching my dad die of cancer before my eyes, from watching the same thing happen to my mother not too long ago but with her dementia and, recently, dreams of a violent nature regarding my ex and her now fiancé. 

I have spent many hours in that living room in the dark waiting to get tired while reading or writing or doing something else. My mind will constantly ruminate on these dreams and, I dare say, I’ve also contemplated taking my own life at times. Truly, it is when you are alone that you must really face your demons; loneliness can make or break you. But, somehow, these images of the past keep me company and serve a two-fold purpose. 

I always considered that my companions, as I refer to them, help keep the demons out and allow me to eventually sleep. In a way, they are my personal guard; my protectors, keeping watch over me as darkness falls and the bad times come around. 

But I also discovered recently that they not only keep the demons away; they also keep me in check as well, because when you are alone is when you finally must face your own demons. When I’m at work I’m fine, when I’m with my friends I’m also fine, when I’m at the gym I’m great as well as when I’m fishing, but when I’m by myself, that’s when those provocative thoughts of harm to self or others come around. My personal guard helps keep me in focus and keeps those demons at bay. 

Two weeks ago, I found out my ex-girlfriend was engaged, after only a few months of not having contact with her. Not only that but I saw an image of the two of them together while doing some stalking in social media. To be honest, leading up to that I was doing great: I was working out again, had started cooking healthy food for myself and keeping my place clean, was spending time with friends, watching fights like I used to in the past, and was really involved in the men’s group that I joined. But when I heard the news from my boss (yes, we both work for the same organization and yes, I’m working on getting a different job), it just took the air right out of me. I spent the entire weekend drinking, I stopped working out, and I couldn’t get the situation out of my mind.

After that weekend, once more I was hit terribly by insomnia and wondered out to the living room for a bit to spend time with my companions. It was then that it hit me: I don’t want to be just some forgotten soul who couldn’t get over someone who didn’t care about them. I wanted to be like one of these bad asses so that hopefully some day an image of me would serve that same purpose for someone else down the line. And why not? I’m a former police officer, a former correctional officer, I was an amateur boxer, a rugby player. I could see myself taking my place someday amongst these men.

So, I did what I hadn’t been able to do for a week; in the middle of the night, I put my sweats on (this is Wisconsin, it’s cold in September), I put my running shoes on, and I ran for 30 minutes. This was the turning point with my recent troubles. I haven’t stopped the trend. I’ve been going to the gym regularly, going to work regularly, I’m close to getting an offer from a different job, I’ve been spending time with friends (not drinking), I’ve been watching fights, I’ve been fishing again and have been involved in my men’s group.

In essence, I feel that my personal guard not only protect me from the demons that come with the night, but they also protect the world from my own demons. They and they only hold the key to the cage that encapsulates me. I hope they never lose possession of it.

I’m not saying it’s suddenly easy, because it’s not. Honestly, it’s a day-to-day struggle. If I’m not dealing with memories of the past, I’m trying to avoid being obsessed over someone who doesn’t give a damn about me. But the struggle is worth it, and anything worth doing is not going to be easy. I try not to promote in these pieces, but I have been listening to a lot to the Jocko Willink podcast recently. It’s as he says, “Get after it,” not “Just get it done.” There’s a big difference. Nothing is going to magically just happen, but you should chase after your dreams and make the most of it. Find what motivates you, and stick with it.

I hope this piece reaches out to and finds those of us who are struggling on a day-to-day basis and are fighting the good fight. Don’t give up: you ARE worth it!  For many of us, the “why” is different: it may be a career you’ve worked hard for, the business you started from nothing, a promise you made to someone, your children, your partner or loved one in general. But for many of us the “why” simply comes down to us. 

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Nader Gamez has a wide background of experience in his upbringing, describing himself as “Basically a Chicago street thug combined with border town Texican and a side of Madison Midwesterner.” He graduated with a BA in International Studies from the University of Wisconsin, Madison, with a minor in drinking.

Since then, he has worked several law enforcement and correctional jobs starting with the Dane County Sheriff’s Office, the Waukesha Police Department, the Wisconsin Department of Corrections and Department of Health Services, and Mendota Mental Health Institute. He also competed in amateur boxing as well as with local rugby teams.

As the Voice of the Veteran Community, The Havok Journal seeks to publish a variety of perspectives on a number of sensitive subjects. Unless specifically noted otherwise, nothing we publish is an official point of view of The Havok Journal or any part of the U.S. government.