The pain can be too much some days, physically, mentally, and emotionally. I think about ending the pain quite often. I have thought about driving my car into a pole, jumping out a window, taking pills and alcohol, and other thoughts. I’ve even cut myself to make myself feel something. I am sad and depressed, but I am also happy and joyful. I think about my children, wife, parents, family, and friends. I know how it feels to lose someone and I’ve seen the pain those left behind go through.
Despite my pain, I never want to make someone feel like that or go through that. I do not want to leave my children with no father. I want to be an example of positivity and how to live a full life for my children. I want to lead others as an example of how to live. I think about holding my daughter who has gone through multiple surgeries before turning two years old. What kind of example would I be if I took my own life? I will endure and be strong so she can continue her strength.
I want to play with my son and wrestle on the couch. If I take my life he won’t have his father to wrestle with, go to the playground, or learn baseball from. I want to snuggle up with my wife on the couch while watching one of my stupid shows. Who will she snuggle on without me there? Who will support her?
Who will raise our amazing children? I must endure and be the husband she needs. I want to laugh with my parents about how I thought I knew more at 13 than I do today. Who will they laugh with about the time my Mom couldn’t find her glasses despite them being on her head the whole time? I want to share new memories with my family and friends; I do not want to be a hole in their lives.
I must endure, I must live.
The Lifeline provides 24/7, free and confidential support for people in distress, prevention and crisis resources for you or your loved ones, and best practices for professionals.1-800-273-8255
Connect with the Veterans Crisis Line to reach caring, qualified responders with the Department of Veterans Affairs. Many of them are Veterans themselves.
1-800-273-8255 and Press 1
This first appeared in The Havok Journal on June 20, 2021.