How Can I Help?

A while back a friend sent me a link to a video about the dangers of empathy. I watched the video until the presenter got redundant, which didn’t take long. The point of his entire spiel was that empathy is a risky business. A person can get hurt by being empathetic.

As I listened to the man, I thought to myself, “Yeah, and… your point is what?”

I am not naturally empathetic. There are plenty of people (especially at my former workplace) who would testify that I am a heartless bastard. However, once in a while I feel and understand the pain of another person, and then act on that feeling. It is not necessarily a comfortable sensation. There is often the nagging question of “What am I getting myself into?” It is sometimes a leap into the unknown. I don’t usually enjoy that. I have already been burnt by standing too close to somebody whose life is an emotional dumpster fire.

Empathy, or let’s call it compassion, is heavily promoted in the world’s great religions. Both Jesus and Buddha were deeply compassionate, as were many of their followers. The Gospels give numerous examples of Jesus’ deep concern for those who were suffering. Images of the Buddha often show him with unusually large ears, apparently so that he could better hear the cries of a wounded world.

The speaker in the video remarked that many professional caregivers (nurses, therapists, etc.) burn out because they empathize too much with their patients. That’s true. A person’s resources are finite, and you can only give from what you have. I have learned the hard way that if I don’t care for myself, I can’t care for others. There are times when a person has to pull back and recharge. The stories of Christ and the Buddha describe how they did that. If a person who is divine, or nearly so, has to take break, then mere mortals definitely need to do so.

It should be noted that being a caregiver brings joy as well as pain. I am not a professional caregiver. I don’t get paid for watching over my toddler grandson, Asher, 24/7. I still retain my amateur status. Sometimes, caring for the little boy gets overwhelming, but there is also a loving bond between us. There are rewards for empathy that are nonmonetary, but nonetheless real.

The presenter also made a point that empathetic people are often manipulated and used by others. That’s true too. However, I go back to my question, “Yeah, and what’s your point?”

I’ve been manipulated by the U.S. military and by corporate America. I’ve been played by the best. We are always being used by somebody, and we are always manipulating others, whether we are empathetic or not. I would rather get hustled by a homeless person or by my three-year-old grandson than by a slick salesman or a politician.

In Zen Buddhism there are koans, or unanswerable questions, that practitioners of the tradition use for meditation. One of the most familiar of these koans is, “What is the sound of one hand clapping?” I used to sit on a cushion and practice Zen meditation. Since I started caring for Asher, I have concluded that he is my koan, my riddle without an answer. Being with him all the time leads me to another common Zen question:

“How can I help?”

Actually, this question is probably the most pertinent to my life, and also the most difficult to answer because the situation changes constantly. His needs are different every day. Asher is growing and developing as I watch him. He is a moving target, and my decisions on how best to help him move along with him.

The question of how I can help relates directly to empathy, and not just empathy toward the little boy. There is always an opportunity each and every day for me to empathize with someone and help them. The dilemma comes with deciding how best to do that. Sometimes, the answer requires a great deal of thought. Other times, especially in an emergency, the answer comes in a flash. Meditation of any kind can help a person see a situation clearly. Zen meditation makes the decision of how best to help intuitive. If I meditate on how to help often enough, then I can decide what to do quickly, almost automatically. In some instances, I don’t have to think about how to help, I just know.

I can still get hurt. As the maker of the video stated, empathy is scary and uncertain. For empathy to de useful and effective, a person needs to be perceptive. The person also needs to have courage. It’s easy to recognize suffering and then still turn away. I’ve done that, and I’m not proud of it.

Sometimes, I have stepped up and turned my feelings into actions. Those are the things that have made my life worthwhile. 

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Frank (Francis) Pauc is a graduate of West Point, Class of 1980. He completed the Military Intelligence Basic Course at Fort Huachuca and then went to Flight School at Fort Rucker. Frank was stationed with the 3rd Armor Division in West Germany at Fliegerhorst Airfield from December 1981 to January 1985. He flew Hueys and Black Hawks and was next assigned to the 7th Infantry Division at Fort Ord, CA. He got the hell out of the Army in August 1986.

As the Voice of the Veteran Community, The Havok Journal seeks to publish a variety of perspectives on a number of sensitive subjects. Unless specifically noted otherwise, nothing we publish is an official point of view of The Havok Journal or any part of the U.S. government.