When He Said We’d Be Angels

Asher was restless last night. He woke me up four times: at 9:00 PM, at midnight, at 3:00 AM, and at 4:00 AM. Twice, he asked me to get up and give him some warm oat milk. During the last wake-up call, he climbed out of bed and barged into my wife’s bedroom to sleep a couple of hours with her. The four-year-old almost always sleeps with me. He has never slept alone. He shows no interest in sleeping alone.

Asher, like most people, is complicated. He can be willful and independent, but he is also deeply attached to my wife and me. When one of us leaves home for a few hours, Asher does not say “Goodbye” to Karin or to me. He says, “Be back soon.”

Asher will start half-day kindergarten in the fall. That is exciting for all of us, but I guarantee it will also be challenging. Hopefully, Asher will make new friends quickly. He’s good at that sort of thing. He schmoozes well. As long as he knows that one of us will pick him up at the end of class, it should work out okay. He might even get to the point where he doesn’t want to leave school. Once the boy is having a good time, it’s hard to drag him away from his chosen activity. Getting him to come home from the playground is usually like pulling teeth.

At breakfast this morning, my wife was talking with Asher. He was chewing on a jumbo strawberry. All of a sudden, our grandson looked at Karin and said:

“Oma, someday you’re going to die.”

Karin did not have a ready reply for that comment. After a pause, she told him, “Everybody dies sometime.”

He smiled and said, “You’re going to die, and then you’ll be an angel.”

He turned to me and confidently stated:

“Grandpa, you’re going to die too, and you will be an angel. You’ll be in heaven.”

I looked at him and thought, “So, where did this come from? Does Asher understand what death means?”

He probably doesn’t understand. I know I don’t.

Honestly, the subject of mortality is often on my mind. I don’t feel afraid of dying, but I am worried about leaving Asher behind without a caregiver. He is right about me dying at some point. I’m not sure about becoming an angel. I don’t think I’m qualified.

I told Asher, “I am not ready to die yet. I need to be here with you for a while.”

There are some departures that don’t allow for a person to “be back soon.”

_______________________________________

Frank (Francis) Pauc is a graduate of West Point, Class of 1980. He completed the Military Intelligence Basic Course at Fort Huachuca and then went to Flight School at Fort Rucker. Frank was stationed with the 3rd Armor Division in West Germany at Fliegerhorst Airfield from December 1981 to January 1985. He flew Hueys and Black Hawks and was next assigned to the 7th Infantry Division at Fort Ord, CA. He got the hell out of the Army in August 1986.

As the Voice of the Veteran Community, The Havok Journal seeks to publish a variety of perspectives on a number of sensitive subjects. Unless specifically noted otherwise, nothing we publish is an official point of view of The Havok Journal or any part of the U.S. government.