By, With, and Through

I have a deal with my deceased son, Quint.

OK, maybe it is a one-sided bargain since his assent has not been verbally received. Nor have I shaken his hand or signed a contract. But it is the kind of agreement you sense in your heart when wrestling with the loss of a loved one. Our silent agreement goes like this. I will do my best to enjoy and experience living life here on this earth–so he can experience this life through my eyes and my experiences–to borrow a Special Forces precept–­By, With, and Through, me. 

In return, I yearn to experience glimpses of his life in heaven– By, With, and Through, him. So far it seems a one-sided deal as I am searching for signs of his presence here with me. But I am patient and persistent as I learn to “see” through a new set of lenses. I am still waiting for a tiny glimpse of heaven. I know that I could not handle the full heaven reveal right now but a little taste would do me just fine. I have had very few dreams about Quint, which I find odd considering how often I think about him on a daily and hourly basis. I would also argue that he has the better end of the deal—experiencing heaven in all its unimaginable glory is certainly more soul satisfying than being encumbered by these earth-bound, sin-stained bodies of ours. But even still, with all the ugliness and evil in the world, living life as we know it can still be a beautiful and rewarding experience if we open our eyes to see, our ears to hear, and our hearts to love.

This “deal” of ours has recently helped me step out and do some things that I really didn’t feel like doing. My drive and purpose have eroded over the last 20 months as I struggle to rekindle meaning and energy in my life. Utilizing this perspective has helped me to step out and smell the roses a few times even though my heart was not inclined to do so at the time.  “

What’re gonna do, not go” was one of my son’s favorite maxims and I have been, albeit sluggishly, trying to embrace that mantra in my life.       

For example, this morning I got my lazy butt out of bed and walked in the woods. My goal was to hear a turkey gobble at sunrise as I had not heard one yet this year. Sure enough, I heard one. I closed the distance and picked a spot to hunker down. I started softly yelping while the gobbler was still roosting in a tree. Whop, whop, whop– I heard the ungainly wingbeats of turkeys as two hens, not so gracefully, glided down to the ground and alight in the small opening in front of me right next to my turkey decoy—a picture perfect start.

Two minutes later, a mature gobbler pitched down following the same flightpath the hens took to the ground, landing 25 yards from me. You couldn’t ask for a more perfect scenario—and roasted wild turkey breast for dinner. It was all over by 0715, before I had even had a sip of coffee out of the small thermos, I always carry with me. 

Now, let’s be honest. It rarely works out like that. The other dozen outings, you hear nothing, you get busted closing the distance, the Gobblers go quiet or go another direction—you are outplayed, outwitted, and empty handed—and that’s OK because that is why you keep coming back for more. 

And then some days, like today, it all works out perfectly and it seems so easy. These mornings are simply gifts from above. I regret that I never put Quint on a Glen turkey before his passing. I just thought there would be more time, but I do know that he somehow got me out of bed this morning and that we shared this sunrise and hunt together.

I was able to share a taste of life on this earth with Quint, By, With, and Through, my experience and perspective. Now, Quint, how about you reciprocate and share with me a little taste of life with you in heaven—or wait a minute, did I just experience it?  

“Your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven…” Matthew 6:10

___________________________________

This first appeared in The Havok Journal on April 16, 2024.

Tab Taber is a Gold-Star Dad–father of SSG George L. Taber V, a Green Beret Medical Sergeant from 7th SFG who died during a violent storm on Mt. Yonah while in the Mountain phase of Ranger School in August 2022. Tab journals to process his grief and to recollect memories of his son. Occasionally he shares his written thoughts with The Havok Journal and on Instagram @gltiv. He retired from the Military (8 years Marines;15 years Army) in 2014 and now resides in NE Florida where he runs a 4th generation wholesale plant nursery. He can be reached at tabtaber7@gmail.com.

As the Voice of the Veteran Community, The Havok Journal seeks to publish a variety of perspectives on a number of sensitive subjects. Unless specifically noted otherwise, nothing we publish is an official point of view of The Havok Journal or any part of the U.S. government.