The Case Is Closed Because the Doors Never Opened

by Tammy Pondsmith
Senior Editor of Plausible Deniability at Article 107 News

In a development as shocking as water being wet, federal authorities have officially declared the Jeffrey Epstein case “closed.” After years of exhaustive investigations into a man who mysteriously died in a cell more secure than most Swiss vaults, the Department of Justice has heroically concluded that justice has been sufficiently… glanced at.

Officials released a five-sentence summary declaring all questions answered. When asked about the hundreds of unnamed associates, missing video footage, and the curious coincidence of two guards napping harder than Ambien trial subjects, the agency issued a statement best summarized as a collective shrug.

“We’ve done all we can,” said one spokesperson, presumably while shoving a bulging folder marked “Top Secret – Definitely Not a List” deeper into a file cabinet labeled “Forget.”

With the fervor of a sleepy librarian shelving a banned book, institutions once aflame with indignation have now cooled to room temperature. Media outlets, once breathless over “the Epstein connections,” now offer retrospective documentaries that bravely ask, “What really happened?” while daring not to answer.

Meanwhile, the powerful figures once orbiting Epstein like morally ambiguous moons remain inexplicably uncharged and increasingly celebrated. Their silence speaks volumes. And the volumes are apparently classified.

Critics of the closure note that if justice were truly blind, it may have also been gagged and escorted to a non-extradition country. But perhaps we should take comfort in the fact that the system worked—as intended, for those it’s designed to protect.

Rest assured, America. The case is closed. Just like the courtroom doors.

Tammy Pondsmith crafts narratives with surgical ambiguity, expertly balancing public interest with elite inconvenience, all while maintaining the illusion of transparency from a secure undisclosed location.

*Article 107 News: The Facts, Before They Happen
Article 107 of the Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “false official statements.” As the name implies, Art107 News is Havok Journal’s satire wing, and you shouldn’t take anything published under this byline seriously. You should., however, mercilessly mock anyone who does.