Pain Changes People

Pain changes people.

The thing about this statement, aside from the fact that it smacks of reality… is that it leaves it up to you to reflect on how it is that people change from pain. Because we change in a whole lot of different ways. And not always pretty ways. Mainly because whatever it was that caused the pain? Probably wasn’t pretty either.

And I think that the more broken a person is… the more that broken-ness is the direct evidence of the level of pain suffered.

Those of us who have seen and experienced pain that truly no one should ever have to in their life… whether it is on the battlefield, in the bedroom, on the streets, in our childhood, or – well, all of the above – having experienced that pain, it hollows us out and leaves a tear, a crack, a place where something good and innocent was taken. I guess you can see the kind of pain I’m talking about as a betrayal of sorts. Not always because of the event, but because something good was taken, was shattered. A loss. And I believe we can lose our innocence more than once. Just different levels.

And as we struggle to survive the pain, sometimes in real time, and sometimes years later, THAT is where this stuff can get complicated. I think most of us, whether it’s because of the way we were trained, or maybe just because it was plain survival mode for us, we take in that pain and it creates this dark hard emptiness deep inside us.

So that we can get through the pain.

And that is not a bad thing. No matter how we did it, none of it is a bad thing. Because (pay attention here), that’s how we survived. How many of us did things, jumped right in the middle of things, because in that moment… for us… that was what to do. Maybe we hesitated a split second, considering, or maybe there was a sureness and comfort with our actions, no matter what our actions said about us as humans. Maybe a fierce connection with that dark side of ourselves that we always sensed and feared was there.  And then many of us suffered greatly with the aftermath from those moments.

This isn’t about judging or forgiving someone who is broken for their behaviors. Somebody else can write about that. But I’ve had much cause to reflect on this statement recently and the varying ways that pain works to change a person. To look at my own responses to the pain I’ve encountered in my life, past and present, and what changed in me, and then also to look at how another’s pain and brokenness can impact me. And what I then choose to do with that. Tricky stuff.

There is much we can learn about ourselves in observing how we react to pain. Often a knee-jerk response is to lash out and hurt what’s in front of you. Like an animal who’s cornered, and will lash out at the nearest target. And often that’s what we had to do. And so we lashed out with a vengeance. Even sometimes taking others down with us as we went.

Ok, so what. We did what we had to do.

But now? The opportunity to create something different is here. Something that could potentially provide relief and healing. There is a way to fit this stuff inside us in a better way. In ways where we do not diminish as the person we were meant to be.

So, I say, take the risk to find this out for yourself. 

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This first appeared in The Havok Journal on October 24, 2024.

Shelly Harlow is the mother of two US Army veterans. She has worked for the last 20 years in the mental health field with those who have seen and endured more than most humans should ever have to and believes firmly that we are our own most powerful healers. Her own background and history are the foundation for her work with others and for her writing. Her hard-headedness has taken her further than any degree ever has. She remains a cynical optimist whose interest in humans has never faltered, knowing how flawed and amazing we all are.

As the Voice of the Veteran Community, The Havok Journal seeks to publish a variety of perspectives on a number of sensitive subjects. Unless specifically noted otherwise, nothing we publish is an official point of view of The Havok Journal or any part of the U.S. government.