This is Only a Test

I am struggling with a problem. Actually, I’ve been struggling with it for over a decade. The current crisis is just the latest permutation. Somebody I care a great deal about is very sick and is apparently getting worse. The person’s condition is the cause of great anxiety for me. I see no sense in what the individual is suffering. I don’t understand why this is happening, and I can think of no solution.

I texted a young friend of mine about this situation. He is an intelligent man, and he is a devout Muslim. I told him, “Sometimes I can’t find God in all this.”

My friend replied, “You know, Frank, Allah said in the Quran, that I’ll be testing you with what you love. Maybe it’s a test for you and also God does not control every action humans take. Just be patient. I’m sure everything will be good at one point. I feel the same way sometimes too, but like I said, it might be a test just to see how strong you are!”

I am certain that my friend was trying to encourage me to persevere, however, I am getting tired of being tested, if that is in fact what is happening.

The idea of God testing people is prominent in Islam. A major holiday for Muslims, Eid al-Adha, commemorates the time when Ibrahim (Abraham) was called by God to sacrifice his son, Ismail. In the Jewish tradition, the same story exists, although Abraham is told by God to sacrifice Isaac instead of Ismail. The Book of Job in the Hebrew scriptures is all about God testing Job and driving him to the limits of his endurance in order to prove to Satan that this man is righteous. This whole notion of God testing his creation permeates Judaism, and Christianity as well. Jesus was tested by Satan during his forty days in the desert.

I remember, years ago, talking with a rabbi about the Book of Job. It’s a disturbing text, and it does not show God in a very favorable light. The rabbi told me that Satan is often referred to as the “tempter” or “tester” or the “accuser”. He went on to say that all of creation, even the devil, serves God, willingly or not. My understanding from our conversation was that, like it or not, Satan reluctantly works as God’s quality control guy.

Every time I consider this notion of God testing humanity, I immediately ask, “Why?” What is the point of all this? God, if all-knowing, already knows the strengths and weaknesses of every person. So, why push somebody to the edge?

Even in Eastern traditions, there is a mention of spiritual tests. The Buddha was tested before he achieved enlightenment. Western traditions seem to view any test as a pass/fail kind of thing. If life is a test, then an individual either attains endless bliss when they succeed or eternal damnation if they fail. The Buddhists look at it more as continuing education. The Eastern religions believe in reincarnation which means a person gets the opportunity to learn a lesson over and over until they finally get it. That might require thousands or millions of iterations. In Buddhism, an individual does not pass or fail. Instead, at the end of their lives they usually get an “incomplete” on their cosmic report card.

My current rabbi once told me that when we ask, “Why do bad things happen to good people?” we are asking the wrong question. That question is just a rabbit hole. We will never get an answer to it. Job certainly didn’t. The rabbi suggested that the correct question is, “What do we do when bad things happen to good people?” because it is inevitable that bad things will happen to them.

So, in my case, what do I do when these bad things keep happening to a person I love? Do I run away from the situation? My experience has been that the problem follows me if I attempt to flee. Do I get angry and curse God? That I’ve done already, and it is only satisfying for a short time. Or do I accept that which I cannot change, act with compassion, and try to alleviate the suffering of others? Once in a while, I can do that, but it is a real bitch.

My friend said that God is testing me to find out how strong I am. God already knows the answer to that. He wants me to discover how strong I really am. It is a lesson for me, not for God. And it is a lesson that I can’t skip. 

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Frank (Francis) Pauc is a graduate of West Point, Class of 1980. He completed the Military Intelligence Basic Course at Fort Huachuca and then went to Flight School at Fort Rucker. Frank was stationed with the 3rd Armor Division in West Germany at Fliegerhorst Airfield from December 1981 to January 1985. He flew Hueys and Black Hawks and was next assigned to the 7th Infantry Division at Fort Ord, CA. He got the hell out of the Army in August 1986.

As the Voice of the Veteran Community, The Havok Journal seeks to publish a variety of perspectives on a number of sensitive subjects. Unless specifically noted otherwise, nothing we publish is an official point of view of The Havok Journal or any part of the U.S. government.